Thursday, 9 August 2012

Just letting all out

I am just going to let it all out.  I need to let it all out. I am going crazy.  I can’t handle waking up again at a God forsaken hour to not be able to fall back asleep.

This post may not make sense as I am just typing for typing sake to just get everything out.

I loved the person that I because after my work trip to India, I was becoming self assured.  I believed that I was worthy of all, happiness, love and friendship.  I was positive all the time; I thought a lot but not destructively.  Little things rarely fazed me; things were finally falling into place.

I have to wonder if somehow I became cursed because this year has just been so tough, extremely tough, arguments nearly every day.  Doubts, depression, anger and deep seeded rage.  All feelings and thoughts that I thought I had gotten rid of.

In my previous post I attempted to shut the door on my true self.  I wish it were that easy but as I read recently once that door opens and you begin to shine and believe that you are worthy it is too hard to close. 

My awesome Kinesiologist told me that the past months have been this difficult simply because I now believe, kind of like I am now awake.  Once you have awaked your psyche it is too hard to ignore and make fall asleep again.

But it is just so hard, I am fighting for something that I don’t really know what for, the kinesiologist believes that I am fighting for what is rightfully mine.  As I know my worth, I know how I should be treated.  I am seeking acceptance of my true.

Right this moment in time I feel so lonely, outside my home, there is no one that I feel really cares about me.  Every day I walk through life trying to be the person I am and whilst I am relaxed and comfortable in my skin.  I don’t share anything anymore with anyone.  Sure I talk about little things here and there but nothing like I was 6-8 months ago.  I was sharing everything and anything as it happened, my zest for life knew no bounds. 

Now I feel that I am just a shell going through life, my personal life, my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams, my fears, my worries, my joy, my hopes and my loves are not being shared anymore.  It feels as though it is no longer important to anyone.  

I have recently tried to share but the person I tempt to share with is not the right person.  I am transported back to high school where I distinctly remember wanting to share, desperate to share and when I attempted to share it was shrugged off and ignored.

What do I want?

Now there is the rub as I know the answer to that question and is very simple in my mind.  I want to turn the clock back to the glorious time when I was accepted, loved and nurtured like a cherished friend.

Time travel is impossible.

So what do I want instead of the above?  

I want the pain to stop, I want to struggles to stop.

I want acceptance
I want to be loved
I want to be nurtured
I want my friendship to be cherished.

I know that I will never get that from the people in my life today. So I have to rely on myself.

Whilst I tried to close the door in my previous post and it didn’t work. I can’t trust anyone in my life (again outside my family) from hurting me again.  I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable again; I know that I can’t take that pain again.

Those words “I no longer want to be your best friend, “best friends” have no meaning to me”.  Just like when I was 18 and I was told “I don’t think we should see each other anymore”.  When I asked “Don’t you love me anymore?” I was met with silence. These two times 18 years apart will forever stay with me.

It took me 15 years to get over the first complete rejection.  This time whilst I was not romantically involved with the person the rejection feels completely the same.

I refuse to take 15 years to get over my feelings this time.

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