Wednesday 22 August 2012

Doubts


I have doubts about myself everywhere I look now.

I feel so alone, I feel abandoned, I am feeling very low.

Something small happened this afternoon that has really affected me.  It was like a trigger went off in my head and just set the domino’s falling in my mind, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt.

I was picking the twins up from child care and as I was walking in I saw a mother sitting in her car and her son was standing outside hysterical.  I looked the mother in the eyes as I walked in and the pain was hard to witness.

It takes a good 15 minutes for me to get the kids out of the building, as they have to tell me everything that they did that day, show me their paintings.  Then proceed to say goodbye to all their friends.  As I came out my kids walked nicely to the car, climbed in with out and word and proceeded to help me with their seat belts.

The mother and child were still in the parking lot, this time the mother had the child in the car and he was beside himself, hysterical and uncontrollable. My heart went out to the mother, I don’t know her at all, and actually I have never seen her of the little boy.

But I felt her pain, I was able to sympathise with her.  My kids have never acted like this but I could imagine what she was going through.  My natural (this is what threw me) instinct was to go over to the woman and ask her “Are you ok?”, “Is there anything I can do to help you?”.

Why did this throw me?

Well you see my reaction to someone elses pain and suffering was one of empathy.  I know I can walk in others shoes and feel what they feel.  Instinctively I wanted to go to her and just let you know that she was not alone.  This is a good trait right?

It is right?

I don’t know…I just don’t know.

If it was right and good and wonderful, why is it that my friends shunned, rejected me?

I just don’t understand.

I don’t think anything about me is right…doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt.

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