Saturday, 18 August 2012

How right I was

I saw my awesome kinesiologist on Wednesday and I explained the feeling I had about my issues with friendships and how I believed that it stemmed from when I was 6 years old.

If you ever had a balance you will know what it means when I say 6 years old tested up to be correct, however it was not the first time I had “issues with friendships”.  In order to heal and remove the issues held within my soul the kinesiologist takes me back to where it all began.

Was I completely shocked as to where this all began with me.  There is a time where your soul lingers between lives, some believe that in this space you will know all the people that you will meet in your next life and you discuss agree with them the lessons that you will learn from them. 

It was in this place that I specifically asked to have the lesson of “self-worth” to be learnt through the pain of friendships.

Fast forward to the age of 6 and it was in this time that the lesson for being used was thrusted upon me. Also it as the fact that I was part of a friendship that had 3 people in it that I couldn’t handle.  My jealousy tendency came out at this time.

So at the age of 6 my friend Sonea wanted to play with me at home in front of my house.  But when we got to school Sonea would play with Anna.  I didn’t understand why she didn’t want to play with me anymore.  So in an attempt to please Sonea I would do anything I could to “win” her affection back.  Even allow myself to be used.

At 6 years of age, I learnt that I was not good enough to play with unless I became the person my best friend wanted. 

Fast forward to the age of 12, this was the next time I “tested” up as having issues with friends. My life was split between school and the Hungarian Community centre where I did Hungarian folk dancing and Hungarian scouts. At school I was in year 7 at a brand new school because I had moved into High School.  I was still trying to find my place in the world of highschool and I was feeling lost, alone and abandoned.

Yet in the other part of my life I was part of a friendship where I was again 1 of 3.  Kathy, Erika and I were inseparable.   There were times where I felt superior to Erika simply because Kathy would spend more “time” with me.  However Kathy, Erika and I were split into two different groups within Scouts.  The group they Kathy and Erika belonged in was seen as the “cool” or “popular” group.  Also in their group was Fiona and at times I was so jealous of her.

I felt that she had taken over my place in the group. Again I tried to do everything and anything in my power to keep this friendship.  Be good enough for people!  In the end my parents found out that Erika and Kathy were talking behind my back and setting me up for a cruel joke which involved a boy.

When my parents told me I was both crushed and devastated, I could not understand again what it was that I had done that was so wrong to these friends to treat me so badly.

The next age that tested up for me was age 29, I remember exactly what happened at this time and here  is the post that I wrote way back.  Recently I sent a long email to Suzi after reading one of the books on friendships and finally was able to explain exactly what I feel towards my friends and the fear I have in my heart.

Here is where the "But" comes in and here is where my doubt, low self-esteem and crap comes in.  BUT when you talk about your other girlfriends, about Laura, Paz and other friends that you have and when you talk about how close you are and how they are like your Best friends.  I get jealous and I automatically feel as though you no longer see my as your "best friend" because you have replaced me...stupid I know!

Pretty bad huh?

But I am trying to be 100% honest here and please keep reading before reacting :)

Instead of being happy for you that you have been blessed with all these different friendships, I automatically assume that there must be something wrong with me!  This is what goes through my mind "There must be something wrong with me, if Zsuzsi (or anyone) has found another friend".  Now I recognise that this is stupid.  But you see once this happens, i start backing away because i make the wrong assumption that I am no longer needed.

So recognising this type of behaviour is big step for me.  At least now I can start making changes.

What I had recognised in this email and what I have known but refused to acknowledge was that I am a very jealous person.  At the age of 6 it started with me being jealous of Anna and then at the age of 12 I was jealous of Erika and Fiona.  I never understood what I was simply not enough!  Why did my friends need other people?  Why was I not enough?

Can you see how this has been my core belief for so long?  That I was simply not good enough for anyone because they found other friends! It is something I continue to struggle with still today.

On Wednesday the emotions that came pouring out of me were:
. Black despair
. Jealousy
. Fear
. Hopelessness
. Control
. Abandonment
. Lost

I have been balanced and these emotions have come to the surface for me to continue to deal with.  I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know what I need to do to stop feeling these.

All I do know is that I need help.

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