Tuesday, 7 August 2012

My wall is coming back up….slowly

The brick wall protecting my true self was in place for such a long time.  I didn’t realise that there were cracks in the mortar. There are significant times in my past where I let people past the wall but I never really let them see me for who I really am because behind the brick wall there is a door that only I control.

Recently I found that someone had slipped through the cracks and then slipped under the door and was seeing me for who I really am.  I allowed my true spirit to shine through blinding the world with brightness.

What a joy that not only I was able to shine but at the same time I was encouraged and accepted.  I was cherished, myself worth just sky rocketed. Finally I had found a friend that accepted me fully for the person I really am.

One of the happiest times in my life, I believe that I grew so much as a person.  Someone accepted me, cherished me, helped me believe that I was worthy of all.

To have that same person turn their back on my friendship is crushing.  The last time I was hurt this badly I was 18 and it took someone to tell me over the phone that they no longer wanted me in their life.  Devastation is a word that just not enough justice to what I felt and still feel.

I have picked up the pieces of my heart and soul.

I have turned my back and walking away.  I walk past the wall and when I behind it I take the time to fix the mortar. I then apply and thick layer of concrete over the wall.  I walk past the door and then fix the slit underneath the frame.  I keep going and I then added another door, this time it is steel and when it closes it is air tight.

My true self is hidden now and it is in a dark space, over the past 2-3 weeks in the dark the brightness has diminished.  My true self is safe now.  I will never let anyone see me again, I will never be able to trust anyone ever again.

I don’t know why I even started this journey, because all I have learnt is that my trueself is simply just not good enough.

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